Sex and the Suburbs: Happy Fucking Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is today, I’ve just finished an article about the singlersters scene in Westland street, where singles try to find the one they love hours before V days touches down. For me it was V for vendetta as I wanted to show that mutterfucker that he cannot keep dicking me around, yet here I am again to keep my family from starving to death, he blacklisted me so I could not find work anywhere, telling his friends and connections that I fucked two fifteen year old girls on a see-saw. He rang me during the middle of the night tells me he is going to murder my family then takes away the voice defibrillator and reveals the true nature of his call for all his decadence. The one good thing I can say about him is that he lets me say what the fuck I want in my articles, even if it means bad mouthing him. Right now I want to say, he is the biggest asshole and dick show in town. He pumps his own asshole with his dick twisted around his scrawny legs, yup the one and only Owl, the dick in ass tormentor. Think you can sleep think again?

I have spent the day awaiting my dirty dirty degrading destiny  in a dark room I feel like Sheen in Apocalypse Now in the dark squalor, smashing the mirror and lying naked like a sack of wet spuds:

I have my Armani suit dusted down, the same one as my first assignment, how sentimental I was then, how horny I am now, horny as shit. The kind that doesn’t want to say no and drip off your ass, that keeps clinging until you gouge your fingers into its ravine and it delightfully fucks your fingers until they are brown with shit semen stains.

The uglier she is the harder she has to laugh at my jokes, I want her fucking lungs to collapse in laughter, her eyes to be rinsed dry with bloody excrements of my degradation of her self esteem. I am the toilet that will shit on her, no longer will she be the toilet’s master. when I tell her the joke about fucking an alien and not knowing which orifice to penetrate, I can feel her laugh vibrating off my chest, I grab her thrust my chest into her face, cup her face, and start to lick her hair and ears.

The owl has turned me into an animal, what kind of animal would I be, hmm well the Chinese New Years, you know what fuck the Chinese, I would be a fucking Russian Bear carousing around the circus leering at the audience and performers, ready to savage and rape everything in sight.

I feel like Kenny fucking Powers, ‘do you watch baseball huh do you know who I am?’ I just get confused looks, I am a bit confused too, why am I pretending to be a baseball player that in itself is parody of a baseball player. The green haired fuck, tags along and claims to be my agent, he is my friend though, or so says the Owl, he pays for everything, plays along with my games. I catch a glimpse of some pussy through a tear on some jeans, on a girl who well now after all the shots looks like a bale of hay that has sprouted arms and legs:

I start to spit my way across to her ‘Thats one fine hole you got down there’ she’s either really impressed or the hissing noise, is ‘Get the fuck away from me before I burst your head into flames’ snake charmer, I grab her by the hand, and recount every move of Kenny fucking Powers to win her vagina’s heart.

I am so fucking romantic I even add in a I heart you gesture near the end before collapsing into a congregation of bar stools, shy people, when I woke up outside the place, on the pavement, I realised what I was at wasn't a single’s night but me and my wives anniversary, that prick, that Owl for once doing something nice, and I fuck it up, I didn’t even read his memo’s, I just arrived and pillaged. I think she might want a divorce soon.  Oh well fuck her and fuck the owl, fuck you all, fuck Valentines, that’s a man anyway, you fag!