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Recommended Teas

There is nothing like a good cup of tea, almost every Irish man and woman embraces the thought of a warm cup of tea and a biscuit. However, over the past few years I found myself drinking an exorbitant amount of tea, your average tea that is tea say, mainly Lyons. So I decided to push the boundaries. First up green tea. In the beginning I stuck with the bag but I soon realised the power of the loose leaf. My first recommendation for tea drinking, ditch the sack, I promise you will never go back.

Apart from the health benefits, which are numerous and have empirical, controlled, scientific backing, the taste of green tea sits close to the summit of mount Olympus, next to the nector and ambrosia of the gods. Treat yourself and add about a quarter of a teaspoon of green tea to a cup of hot water, allow to cool, and the sate. your inner china-man's appetite

Next on the taste tally, white tea. An assassin of a tea, mild and subtle, yet fragrant and ninja-like as it scales your taste buds, once again ditch the sack, loose leaf all the way.  

With health benefits galore you'll find your body and mind rebooted after a bladder-full of white tea. The important thing with white tea is to use water at about 80'C, don't use boiling water as it spoils the taste and damage some of the chemicals responsible for it's health benefits. 

Finally, for those of you, who like me, enjoy the taste of a mucky river you will love Pu'erh. Pu'erh is a type of tea that under-goes a microbial fermentation, which ultimately, like a good wine, improves with age. 

Once again, scientific studies have found this tea to have certain health benefits, but the taste of Pu'erh is the most important part of the experience, I would recommend a Pu'erh that has aged for more than ten years.  Now all that's left is to enjoy a nice cup of tea, still have to decide though. 

New Study: Magic Mushroom Healthy?

Psilocybin also known as magic mushrooms, boomers, shrooms, Magic Tony's toes and mushies. Johns Hopkins School of Medicine have released a research paper with the rationale of extending research on 'previous observations showing that psilocybin can occasion mystical-type experiences having persisting positive effects on attitudes, mood, and behavior'.

One of the human guinea pigs said "I feel that I relate better in my marriage. There is more empathy — a greater understanding of people and understanding their difficulties and less judgment...Less judging of myself, too." Another test dude pig said : "I have better interaction with close friends and family and with acquaintances and strangers. ... My alcohol use has diminished dramatically."

They may or may not have gone on a hunch from the popular 8-bit hero Mario whose dose effects were major healing. The Grateful Dead were fans of magic mushrooms, so before the conclusion lets have a drum roll of some Grateful Dead jamming!

So lets cut to the chase the conclusions in the research paper were ' Conclusions Under supportive conditions, 20 and 30 mg/ 70 kg psilocybin occasioned mystical-type experiences having persisting positive effects on attitudes, mood, and behavior [...]the present study shows that psilocybin can dose-dependently occasion mystical-type experiences having persisting positive effects on attitudes, mood, and behavior. The observations that episodes of extreme fear, feeling trapped, or delusions occur at the highest dose in almost 40% of volunteers, that anxiety and fear have an unpredictable time course across the session, and that an ascending sequence of dose exposure may be associated with long-lasting positive changes have implications for the design of therapeutic trials with psilocybin. Considering the rarity of spontaneous mystical experiences in the general population, the finding that more than 70% of volunteers in the current study had “complete” mystical experiences suggests that most people have the capacity for such experiences under appropriate conditions and, therefore, such experiences are biologically normal." 

Mario is happy :)

Finally let us hear what one Dr. Jerome Jaffe involved with the research, has to say:

The Hopkins psilocybin studies clearly demonstrate that this route to the mystical is not to be walked alone. But they have also demonstrated significant and lasting benefits. That raises two questions: could psilocybin-occasioned experiences prove therapeutically useful, for example in dealing with the psychological distress experienced by some terminal patients? And should properly-informed citizens, not in distress, be allowed to receive psilocybin for its possible spiritual benefits, as we now allow them to pursue other possibly risky activities such as cosmetic surgery and mountain-climbing?

 “The Smurfs are little blue people who live in magic mushrooms. Think about it.” (quote by unknown source)

3 Recipes for Bear Including Bear Meat Balls

• Simply Elegant Bear Steak and Rice

1 1/2 lbs. bear steak

1 1/2 tbsp. vegetable oil

2 large onions, cut into 1/2" slices, rings

1 can (10 3/4 oz.) condensed cream of mushroom soup

1 (4 oz.) can sliced mushrooms - drain & reserve liquid

1/2 cup dry sherry

1 1/2 tsp. garlic salt

3 cups hot cooked rice

Cut steak into thin strips. In a large skillet (oven-proof, if desired), brown meat in oil, using high heat. Add onions. Saute until tender crisp. Blend soup, sherry, liquid from mushrooms, and garlic salt. Pour over steak. Add mushrooms. Reduce heat; cover and simmer 1 hour or until steak is tender. (Or cover and bake at 350 degrees.) Serve over beds of fluffy rice. Makes 6 servings.

• Braised Bear Steak

Older bear meat can be prepared as follows:

Flour

Salt and pepper

Thyme

1 cup sliced onions

4 tbsp. bacon fat

Bear steak, 3" thick

1 1/2 cups broth

1 cup red wine

2 tbsp. tomato paste

Pound the flour and dry seasonings into the steak with the edge of a plate or a meat pounder. Brown the onions in the bacon fat and add the meat. Brown meat well on all sides. Add part of the broth and wine and bring to a boil. Cook briskly for 5 minutes. Turn steak, reduce heat, and cover the pan. Simmer for 1-1 1/2 hours, adding more liquid if necessary. When steak is tender, remove it to a hot platter. Add the tomato paste and additional liquid, if needed, to the pan juices to make a smooth sauce. Taste for seasoning and pour over the steak. Surround with boiled potatoes, garnish with parsley, and serve with sauteed mushrooms.

• Bear Meat Balls

2 lbs. ground bear meat

1/4 cup chopped onion

1/2 cup bread crumbs

2 tbsp. milk

Mix. Form into balls. Brown in oil in frying pan. Add 2 tbsp. flour and water to make gravy and simmer for 1 hour.

World's Most Unhealthy Lasagna Has 71,000 Calories

Separate, lasagna and burgers are delicious in their own ways. But what happens when you combine the two favorites together? Well the guys from Epic Meal Time, a website devoted to creating (and then eating!) crazy, fatty food concoctions, wanted to find out. Enter fast food lasagna, made primarily with 45 burgers, liquor, cheese, and bacon.

The entire lasagna has 5,463 grams of fat and 71,488 calories. Oh, and by the way, that's without the onion rings they use to top it with! See the ingredient breakdown and how the epic meal was prepared in the video below.

What's inside:

• Jack Daniels homemade meat sauce (558 g fat, 8,053 calories)
• 15 McDonald's Big Macs and 1 liter of Big Mac sauce (660 g fat, 10,245 calories)
• 15 Wendy's Baconators (885 g fat, 14,100 calories)
• 15 A&W Teen Burgers (390 g fat, 7,500 calories)
• Bacon for layering (1,500 g fat, 16,000 calories)
• Cheese for layering (165 g fat, 8,500 calories)

Armadillo: Causing Leprosy? Don't Eat Armadillo!

We now have reason to believe that armadillo burgers or steaks are not the best option next time you peek across the face of an unsuspecting menu. A team of researchers from the Global Health Institute and Louisiana State University have done a study where they outline the connection of 33 wild armadillos known to have leprosy, and 50  human patients with leprosy. The results concluded with the discovery of a new strain of M. leprae, the 3I, which was found in 28 armadillos and 22 patients. The strain of leprosy was the same in both the humans and the armadillo. This was reified by the fact that 8 of the patients recalled having contact with armadillos, 2 in particular had ate armadillo meat.

Our conclusion is that armadillos carry a bacteria that can cause leprosy so don't eat armadillos and also Courtney Cox is cuter than an armadillo! One butcher near an area which supported a bountiful of armadillo and who regularly claimed to fellow citizens of the goodness contained in armadillo meat was interviewed about this research. In the interview such things were mentioned as the bad sanitation of eating armadillo if the possibility of contracting leprosy is a real threat, he replied to such inquiries with "I may or may not have said something resembling words but if words you be looking for then I am not a man to know what you mean', he could not tell us anymore than that? As confused as this man seemed, it should not be a surprise that he had no formal education and the cleavers looked like they were a third hand to him.

Avoid Armadillo meat, and next on the agenda is passion-fruit cheesecake, see you same time next week! You've all been wonderful. Goodnight ladies and gentlemen.

Why Finnish People Shouldn't Eat Liquorice

Now I wouldn't suppose to stereotype one nation by claiming that they have an intolerance for liquorice, however this video speaks for itself. This guy should not eat liquorice especially not Skipper's pipe liquorice. I do like his curtains though. 

The Spiciest Pepper In The World Kills An Old Man

Okay so maybe I exaggerated a little, it may not have killed Jamie Kocher but this guy is a seasoned chilli and pepper fanatic. The spiciness or hotness of a pepper is measured on the Scoville scale and it is rated by the amount of capsaicin that a particular food contains. Capsaicin targets chemoreceptor nerve endings in the skin and produces what is known as piquance or spiciness. Ordinary peppers like jalapeno peppers rate between 2,500-8,000 on the Scoville scale whereas the hottest and the one that the old man just ate weighs in at between 855,000 and 1,359,000. The hottest peppers in the world are known as the Naga Viper and the Naga Jolokia. Finally, remember that capsaicin is an oil based chemical so water does not help out, you need to take something like milk or yogurt to alleviate the pain. 

Confessions of a Fast Food Whore.

Uhg I feel sick, sick as Gary Coleman and Dustin Hoffman fucking each other in a skip full of leather couches, I lol'ed all the way to the basin, he was waiting for me NAKED Oh yeahhhhhhhh. I started singing Break on through to the other side.

I had some chicken nuggets, sucked them like a whore. Then the proposal, the indecent proposal, oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. One sex for one burger please. Sometimes I didn't say please I just said One sex.

Mr. Bennet was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, and caprice, that the experience of three and twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character. Her mind was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper. When she was discontented she fancied herself nervous. The business of her life was to get her daughters married; its solace was visiting and news.

 I had a dream where I got finger fucked by a chips monsters and all the ice-cream in the world stole my boyfriend.

I danced.

Then I let out a scream, caught onto someone's ankle. Ate more burger. Shat. Talked shit.

"My kangaroo can look into your eye. " It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune and a kangaroo must be in want of a wife.

However little known the feelings or views of such a man or bear may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families or balloons that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.

"Do not you want to know who has taken it?" cried his wife impatiently. "You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it."

This was invitation enough.

He yelled out at me for world peace, trampled on some dirtbags, dreamstuff. All for penance. The liqueur cannot tell me what to do, I confess I confess I am a silly little girl, I eat crap, yes so I am crap cos you are what you eat right? And I eat cock and burgers.

Some Irish Cuisine

With the big day coming up tomorrow and many of you already starting your celebrations we thought it would be nice to feature some traditional Irish food recipes. Each of these videos have been hand picked for their demonstrations on constructing Irish cuisine, but also for their embedded stereotyping that we have grown to love and particularly live out through our drunken behaviour every Paddy's day.

First up is a recipe for Irish stew. As you lap up this demonstration remember to leave plenty of room for the "Irishy" music that lingers throughout.

Next up we have the classic bacon and cabbage dish, that to this day continues to keep Irish sodium counts well above the EU average. A regular favourite of the elderly and one of those meals that keeps so well that many of its consumers have difficulty discarding, even if the cabbage and the bacon have merged into some strange gut wrenching mush. A possible insight into the iron stomached pensioners that still wander the streets.

Next up we have Conan O'Brien and Martha Stewart giving some much needed attention to the hangover soaking Irish breakfast. For many of you this is a ritual that is closely associated with getting fucked up the night previous. Either way it tastes amazing and the stomach pains that generally follow are an exquisite reminder of the meal that you have just enjoyed. 

With this breakfast blood bath exposed it is time for us to start preparing for the big day with a bottle of vodka and a block of cheese. X

Green Drinks For Paddy's Day

It's almost Paddy's day again and for those of you who are planning on celebrating it with the usual alcoholic bang MRHP has compiled a list of green alcoholic drinks for you to get locked on. Some of the drinks have been tried personally but some of them, who knows what they taste like? Okay here we go.

The easiest and probably the safest is green beer, all you need is a light coloured beer, add a few drops of green food colouring. BAMMM!!!

Apple Martini, green apple schnapps, vodka, ratio 1:1.5, shake with ice and strain into a martini glass. DONE!!! Fucking Delicious!!

Green Goblin, one part peach schnapps, one part vodka, one part coconut rum, and one part green apple schnapps, mix shake serve. HAMMERED!!!!

Caruso, one part dry vermouth, one part gin and then a splash of mint liquor, mix and serve. GETTING FUCKED UP TONIGHT!!!

Finally, although there are others, the final recommendation is to just drink a bottle of green absinthe and it surely will be a Paddy's day that you will most definitely forget. 

Always drink responsibly. DIAGEO

Macdonalds to do Crêpes of Locusts?

Living in a fat person's paradise, Macdonalds may be serving you crêpes of locusts if Marcel Dicke's predictions on Ted.com are to be taken seriously. Can we adapt the Third World's eating habits? Hopefully by then McDonalds will be indited by some kind of modern food based Genoa convention tribunal . With some breathtaking legal work on behalf of animals and fat people or impish skinny people that think because they are skinny that somehow their hearts cannot snap to death mode at any moments. But hurrah the old dinosaur sized bitch will be extinct and the a future of people built on sound ethics and social consciousness, but wait, hold on a second Billy, now is that a utopia much, ahahahah? To the right is a photograph taken three days ago in a contemporary Bangkok market with insects waiting to be used as fillers for crêpes.

The more and more you listen to Marcel, the laughter fades and subsides for a kind of recognition of it practicality, besides we already consume insects when we are asleep and also a lot of food is allowed to have a certain percentage of insect that is inevitable and impossible to remove, admittedly its a vey minute proportion, microscopic even. Would you kiss this cutie if she was fond of ice-cream with crickets? Let's say it's just in her eating habits, plenty of protein yes yes,cutie cutie yes yes but would you get over her eating habits?

So in the future would you rather have acme raped faced kids whose kitchen kudos are replicating error prone methods with slave labour incentives or would you rather be served at bamboo stalls by burly Amazon warrior women with scruples and authenticity in a multicultural paradise, enough backstopping, on with the insects, then the immigrant aliens, come on Simon Pegg out with him, lets chuck him on the barbecue, we’re hungry!

Mushrooms and Humans a New Frontier.

Next time you are out in the wilderness and you come across some mushrooms remember this interesting slice of biological pie; mushrooms may seem close to plants but this external resemblance is superficial, in terms of cladistics, fungi is more closely related to us than plants, here is a tree that demonstrates this:

We have a recent common ancestor we share with fungi, so next time you throw some mushrooms into a pasta sauce or salad, remember that the mushrooms are more closely related to you than they are to the lettuce ! Unlike lettuce we and mushrooms use external sources for energy. The texture of mushrooms can divide people up, some find it delightful and at the same others find it a dread, perhaps now we can embrace mushrooms as one of our own and get out of our naive intolerance of things not 'us'. 

Subodh Gupta an Indian artist who uses domestic stainless steel pots to create some marvelous sculptors has already embraced the cohabitational relationship of the mushrooms in our homes, we can see the fruits of these ideas with his piece 'Line of Control' a mushroom cloud sculptor.

Two Pieces of Candy

I was in Milan to review a bubble sofa by Versace and also an a short get away with my girlfriend when it happened. It all started when I stumbled across a candy store among the jarring, endless pit of none eatery stores.  Candy is not something a food critic usually reviews or would even enter the innermost of my consciousness. The cute window dressing immediately pawed the sentiments of my heart, into a kind of nostalgia that  stood there a while and took some puffs on my quiff.

I went in looking for something nice for my girlfriend, and then I spotted it, two pieces of candy, this candy leapt at my heart. ‘Oh belle belle belle’ I thought as I got closer to it. In the clamour of the shop, I rose from the other customers, trying to tie my jaw down with some Armani suit string that was loose. It blew me away; here is a video of my review of two pieces of candy. Images may cause an epileptic fit, so please lower the resolution of your  screen and your biological aural frequency. 

Chocolate’s Molecules have Familial Ties to Heroin.

After going on a binge of chocolate for the past 24 hours, no sleep, plenty of racing thoughts and feelings of euphoria, I had a few hallucinations of our Lady Mary singing the lyrics of Amish Paradise:

There's no time for sin and vice

Living in an Amish paradise

We don't fight, we all play nice

Living in an Amish paradise

I wondered why it made me feel like this. So I got on the first bus to Cambridge University to interview professor John Kaufman, on what makes chocolate so damn drug-like.

He has this to say:

'Well young man I continue to explore in my spare time the roles of chocolate molecules in resistance to pathogens and response to vaccines, now listen closely young man, get those damn radios out of your ears- my long-term plans include whole genome studies in chocolate, development of chocolates as a system with a smooth transition between field and laboratory for study of natural pathogens in a natural host, and work on other candies. Out of all this I can go on a side trek though their molecular history and tell you they are directly related to heroin, via the acetyl triggers which are hidden in cocoa beans yet are there if you look close enough. The name heroin comes from 'heroisch', the German word for hero. Heroin was originally sold as a painkiller in the 19th century, by the chemical company Bayer, until doctors realised its highly addictive quality. Now what is chocolate ? Highly addictive.  The links are so strong I followed this up; a friend lead me to study behaviour patterns in native Indians that consumed a lot of chocolate in their diet. What did I find? This Native Indian’s had such trippy recreations, their immunity allows chocolate to be that bit more poignant.'

I asked the Professor what his  favourite chocolate bar was, he blushed :

'Well I’m not sure if I should say this, it is rather embarrassing, but sometime down the lab when I need a break away from my work, I make a mix where the molecular structure of the chocolate is more heroin then chocolate and well it makes for quite a splendid creation.'

After telling him he was off the record, I went home confused, am I junky if I eat lots of chocolate? Is there a chocolate rehab?  Would the Owl pay for it? I rang a doctor and he sent me out a leaflet, I had to fill out a form, with an astonishing amount of questions, the first question was:

Do you ever feel that you love chocolate more than either yourself or your intimate partner or both?

I recall my ex girlfriend, that exact day, the exact emotion, my desponded replay to her, ‘you never talk to me anymore’ my reply written in tough vowel snappings ‘ Bitch eating all my fucking chocolate and not even cleaning your lips of the whore juice, fucking bitch!’ I hit her with the side of my arm, it was a tap, but it was enough to crash her to the ground, I was ashamed, I loathed myself and there was an offer on Penguin bars, 98 penguin bars for 3 euro, I had them all, I bade in them. Had a bath, poured them until the water was mud brown, I cried into the chocolate, felt it siphoning into my nose, face pores, beyond my eyes, into a kind of darkness, a chocolate invasion of all my sense, I felt myself falling, falling beneath a deep sea of chocolate, I was writhing in the sensual agony, CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATEEEEEE was the code written in all the signals out and inputting my brain.

Now I knew how Gater felt, when he proclaimed his dark, beguiling anti-epiphany:

There is a darkness inside of me it wants to get out, it wants to walk around, it wants some walking around money it wants to buy some shoes it it wants to walk up to the people and say Gater don’t play no Shit!

I am now left contemplating my life, or what little left of it there is. Should I go on or not?

Negro Cake: Tackling racism in a dessert

I came in on a second hand jet with a lady friend (my new jet was in for repairs, the onboard Jacuzzi was kaput). I wanted a challenge, some danger with my meal. I wanted people to think of me not only as the greatest food critic since Gilbert Steinbeck but also a man of the people and liberation. I wanted to confront a racist restaurant and tackle their bigoted perceptions as well review their food as I was born to do.

So I arrive in Arizona on the clock of time, chalked three, a State so racist that it banned Martin Luther King Day and more recently created unconstitutional laws against Mexicans, anti-immigration laws of which Obama sued them for creating such a monstrosity on human rights. 

I chose the restaurant at random; little would they know who I am anyway, with their cultural poles stagnating in bile and puss.

Driving down a dirt track, I arrive at a series of buildings that could account for township. I see a faded red sign blinkering that says ‘restaurant’ yes the restaurant is called restaurant.

The waiter, or owner possibly, greets me with a sigh of relief ‘I taugh you were a foreigner or something but you got that undeniable god’s skin on yee...’ when I replied with ‘I am a foreigner’ he let out a guffaw drenched in diarrhoea, I imagined the particles of gooey brown shit coming together to form the noise of his chortle. He patted my arm in as strange way as almost to accoutre my skin with his testimony and then ordered me to a table at the very back of the restaurant under an insufferable lack of light, I felt like a flower wilting, photosynthesis failing, limbs derailed in all directions. 

I rested my arms on the table trying not to keel over. He served me up a steak without even giving me a choice of what to eat, ‘the best in Arizona, you’ll like it, gives a nice glow to god’s skin’.

I am glad I left my lady friend at the hotel, this was no place for her prettiness, only nastiness can lie here, I see some mosquitoes chilling near the kitchen door, which is a blanket hammered in with some nails. I wonder why they don’t have an actual wooden, practical door, maybe a blanket door is more practical in this climate, and anyway my concern is the food and fighting racism not to get distracted by blanket door origins. The steak is mild, not bad, as the steak goes into the dark of my mouth and down without any pretty arbitrary.  For I feel that knowing the man is racist that I cannot enjoy it.

Next comes desert, ‘some negro cake’ he offers smiling, this reminded me of the infamous ‘drunk negro cookies’.

I jump up snap his arm back, I feel like Malcolm X rising up from the ashes of racism, except if Malcolm X was white, and was brought up in aristocratic family rather than a slum in Omaha. 

Nevertheless I was impassioned, ‘Do you hear that?’ I looked into his trembling eyes ‘Wha-what?’ That’s Michael-fucking Jackson playing in your restaurant, a black man’s music is flowing through the air’, his rebuttal was met by my firm arms thrusting him against the wall ‘So you serve this filthy dessert in the name of bigoted racism yet you play the music of a black soul, so you’re a hypocrite.  ‘Now look here mista, I ain’t no hippo-christ, or whatever word you be using, Michael is white, you sir are a mad man...why are you attacking one of your own?’  I knocked him out in a rage. After that vindication of a knockout blow: Food Critic who fights racism ONE racist ZERO.  I went back to my lady friend and we got funky with some Michael Jackson songs. We celebrated with a proper dessert some forest gateau, yummmmmm!

Ostrich Steak Review

So where do I find myself on Christmas Eve? Jetting off to the remote island of Tasmania, within arm’s reach of Australia where Santa’s lips would turn to dry husks. A man dressed like Indiana Jones sits at the table with me.  I wonder if he is for real. He is my guide and smells of cannabis and lizard feces. 

I am in a strange abode with a Hispanic woman snake-eyeing me with peek-a-boos from the arabesque curtain that veils the kitchen from the guests.The waiter looks like a malnourished camel, his eyes dripping of browned perspiration.

The ostrich steak has a rough texture strewn with tassels of heat, retentive flabs. The unkempt meat is  ‘Darling let me give you a massage with my broken fingernails’ on the teeth I rely on for mincing. The plain, apple chutney glaze was not home-made. No! It was from an unholy jar, like it was straight from the kitchen of Faulty Towers! I spent my formative food critic years working for a food critic consortium who taught me how to detect these things. It now seems silly to learn such a thing, it comes naturally those with the Force.

Other than that, it was just about alright, a stocky bird, one for those who like their meat with some subculture, desert personality, with a coarse hue; for those of you are rough diamonds slurp it up like bitches! For now me and Indiana Jones are off for some Soviet delicacies, Crikey! Catch you later bitches!

Steroids Are Sexy Again

The word on the Net at the moment is that steroids are sexy again. Apparently in the wake of the recent McDonalds advertising campaign, people are turning nostalgically back towards this icon of the 90s. Intended as a direct attack on the beefiness of Burger Kings new GM burger line McDonalds struck back with the now infamous star of their new McBull burger line.

Steroid spokesman Greg Valentino was in talks with Ronald today at the annual Beef Confederation meeting. At which there were talks about Greg endorsing a new Happy Meal toy line that would include toy syringes and a mirror (both would include sound bites informing children the quickest and trendiest way of meaning something to their society). Included with each toy would be a presription that would allow for one weeks dosage of McSteroids.  

Outrage broke out later on in the meeting when a journalist asked who Greg was. There is not a lot that you can say about this man, or is there. After 28 years of following a natural body-building lifestyle he gave it all up and began taking steroids. Over the next 2 years he set the Guinness world record for the biggest biceps in the world, 28 inches in circumference, almost half the size of a car tyre. Then one day while he was walking down to the shop to collect some groceries his arm blew up all over an old woman who was standing at a bus stop... Now after nearly a decade in hiding Greg has emerged as a man whose dedication for perfection transcends respect and care for his own wellbeing. In a society of wimps this has to be admired, as in the long run only the Gregs of this world will survive the capitalist machine.

Food Critics.avi

Whilst sifting through various fans, friends and followers myredhotphilosophy came across this little short. It is a work in progress and the first part of an up and coming comedy series called Food Critics. Check out Kleregy White's interview with Jeremiah Manderlay a reknowned food critic praised for his in depth analyses and over the top dissection and intersection of all things food and much much more. The delightful, but at times flippant, Charles Pianti also makes an appearance...

Dinner with Daniel Day-Lewis

I arrived early because I knew Daniel didn't like to be kept waiting. We were supposed to meet at 7.30, so when I turned up and saw him there already I was a little surprised, but contrary to my previous assumption he was just happy to see me and produced a warm and firm handshake. We took our seats in the restaurant who's name cannot be named and Daniel proceeded to order a bottle of red wine. It was a Chateau Lafite-Rothschild 1869-  €170,000 ($230,000) a bottle and worth every cent in my opinion. Daniel was not impressed, he swirled, sniffed, sipped and spat rather than savouring every mouthful. The naked waiters rolled around on the floor desperately tried to absorb the wine on their hairless bodies. Eventually a short chef emerged and stuck his lips to the floor and vacuumed up the unwanted liquid.

Next Daniel ordered two tins of Almas caviar, served in a 24-karat gold tin, €18,250 ($25,000). The roe ran around my mouth like marbles, popping and oozing their salty embryos. Once again this delicacy failed to satisfy Daniel. Most of his caviar ended up on the diamond plate it had been served on, he was much more concerned with gnawing on the gold tin lid. He kept mangling the metal in his mouth and gauging whether or not it could fit back on the tin, finally it had been sufficiently mutilated and was unable to make a complete seal with the gold container. Now that Daniel was satisfied he made the next order.

Two 1-kg Wagyu steaks were ordered €2,500 ($3,350) along with a gigantic Italian White Alba truffle (€125,000-$160,406) and some Hop asparagus (€180-$250 per kg). The oily aromas and strong meaty flavours as well as the earthy and delicate tastes of the food made for a delectable main course. Daniel took his piece of steak and sat on it for about five minutes then he examined it closely, however, he didn't appear to be happy so he stuck it under the leg of his chair and turned from left to right. Finally when the steak had the right mix of fibres from the floor Daniel swallowed it whole.

Next we were served some cheese, moose cheese from three moose in Bjursholm in Sweden, €370 for a pound ($500). It had a very strong taste and each piece had a different texture and density. Daniel stuck most of his in his eyes or his ears before having his first taste which to my surprise he appeared to enjoy. Finally we were served some freshly defaceted Kopi Luwak coffee, the small Asian Civet joined us after his toileting and began to feast upon Daniel's scraps. Kopi Luwak coffee runs at about €40 a cup but the Civet made up for the lack of expense.

Daniel took the cheque and covered the tip and we said our farewells. I wonder has anyone else had a meal as expensive as this? €337,130, the tip was Daniel's little secret...