Best Valentine's Gifts

Have you ever sat in dismay on the 12^th of February and said to yourself, “Shit, Valentine’s Day”???Perhaps like me you are an incompetent fool when it comes to organising gifts for this pathetic excuse of a celebratory day! Not that I am an embittered old twag who hates to fork out for my loved one, but I am an embittered old twag who has to try and come up with yet ANOTHER quirky, thoughtful, sentimental, awe-inspiring, death-defying, mind bogglingly intelligent gift for the one that I love, as if Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries ARE SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH!!!! All I want for Valentine’s day is attention, all attention on me!!That is all I require, food, chocolate and compliments, not fancy elaborate gifts. BUT however, if you are one of the unfortunate knobs that invest in the commercial ejaculation that is Valentine’s day, then here are a few ideas to whet your saltily-semened palettes…..

If you are a totally embarrassing wet sock with regards to your partner’s affections why not try this little number.

The 8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt which measures the proximity of lovers and lights up as the two wearers move closer to each other. A perfect suggestion to uncle Jed and his finest derby sheep!

Or if that isn’t lame enough for you, try this. It’s the “My Beating Heart Pillow” and simulates the sound of a heartbeat when the emotionally inept user hugs it. Each time it is embraced it recreates a new heartbeat so that no two heartbeat sequences are the same. Slutty. It also synchs with the slutty, emotionally inept embracer, creates a murmur and after twenty minutes encounters a fatal heart attack, entering severe cardiac arrest and shuts down, saving on battery life. Eco friendly.

If you buy this you are a loser and I don’t like you. Sap.

If you are the sexually overcharged couple for whom boning each other every chance that you get isn’t enough, you can now do it semiotically with your keys, with the new Human Key Holder!!! Hot shit. Yeh Right.

This gift suits couples of most sexualities. It suits any female, straight or gay as one simply inserts the key into the signifying slot, if you will and also suits many men without penises or gay men. One inserts the key into the front slot (for men with the no penis preference) or the back slot, or if you are a particularly dykey woman, this gift may also suit you.

If you like to cut your boyfriends in half and cuddle their decapitated and severed torsos, but find that the rate of decay is moving too fast for you, why not try this idea, the Boyfriend Pillow, its cleaner, smells fresher and saves on dead boyfriends.

Some of these Valentine’s gifts may not be quite to your tastes, so if you are rich and willing to splash the cash a little why not rent your loved one an Island off the British Virgin Coast or wine and dine them in the air, for a mere $40.000. Either way this day is going to fuck you in the ass year in, year out.