Even Jesus Had a Beard

Have you ever noticed how most contemporary practitioners of Catholicism are clean shaven? Over the years I have noticed that at some point along the journey the beard stopped being synonymous with holiness and was tossed away in favour of a gently sliced baby bottom face. Having the pleasure of being told by a Christian Brother 'to clean my god damn scruff up' many times over the course of my young adulthood, I began to think about the irony that surrounded these men and their disregard for the fact that many of the mythological creatures who inked the pages of the bible sported out of control beards, that demanded attention and heralded holiness from their twisted follicles. The following image of Moses demonstrates this perfectly. Instead of the man that religion classes exposed us to, we get a rare insight into the sweaty bearded DJ that spent more time popping tablets than he did reading from them. Also an original founding member of Pioneer Moses' bearded antics went to the tablet induced grave with him. Pioneer be upon him... 

Next on the list we have the J-Man himself, whose bearded madness managed to help him acquire the title of the son of God. In reality when he wasn't picking at his head with an afro comb or wondering why he was porcelain white, he was infact having luls on his bike and quote unquote 'getting some hole-y'. His beard hangs with him on the crucifix as a constant reminder to its power. Hence the nickname Jesus King...

The final addition to these prime examples of bearded holiness is one of the best kept secrets of the bible. One of the big questions that surrounds the Virgin Mary is of course how the hell did she give birth to the J-Man? Continuing from Jeremy Kyle's damned attempt at answering the question we at MRHP have some shocking news for you today. The truth surrounding the J-Man is that he was the bastard child of a harlem and a trotter and that Mary was actually a man. This claim is supported by an image stolen from Ratzinger's rotten sewage pipes. After analysing the image for quite sometime we have come to the conclusion that Mary is a distant relative of another very famous beard wearer. See if you can guess who!

After completing our research for this article we thought it was pertinent coming up to the day of Jesus' great wander, to remind the world of the power of the beard and the mysteries that it still holds. We hope this helps in combating the Gillette sponsored Vatican from completing the shaving off their holy roots in favour of one last grab at financial capital. Shame on them for attempting to eradicate the best part of the myth.