Stupid Things from the Bible

We all know that the Bible is just a glorified children's colouring-book that got out of hand, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, took a couple of old fables and married them with the extrapolated imagination of burning bushes, virgin mothers and infinite fish and bread. The point that I am really driving at here is that the Bible is full of nonsense, a couple of lads wrote it, it's full of contradictions and it's full of concepts and crimes that many Christians today choose to omit. Here is a good one:


'Deuteronomy 23:2 says: A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the lord.'


So Bastards are exempt from the church for a couple of generations seems logical, so why didn't they keep this little saying.


 "You Ethiopians will also be slaughtered by my sword," says the LORD.  


Personally I think that one is a little harsh on Ethiopians, they do have some very good long distance runners. 


'You must destroy all the nations the LORD your God hands over to you.  Show them no mercy and do not worship their gods."


Also this one is a little bit much, seems to be a lot of excessive killing, even genocide being ordered in the bible. 


(Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NAB)If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.


That book of Deuteronomy is pretty bad, rape doesn't even appear to be a crime against the woman but more against a man's property.


When a man strikes his male or female slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies under his hand, he shall be punished. If, however, the slave survives for a day or two, he is not to be punished, since the slave is his own property. (Exodus 21:20-21 NAB)


Thank the flying spaghetti monster they coped on here, I don't want them still upholding this garbage.

Finally, I will paraphrase this one, in Book 1 Genesis, God said, on the first day let there be light, on the fourth day he created the sun and the stars. Any questions? Where was the light coming from the first day. Ughhh!! I give up.

Possibly The Worst Children's Christian Rap (CCRAP)

George Carlin: Religion is bullshit

The Easter Bunny Is Dead

Now that we have the issue of that lads death over for the time being it is time we start focusing on a more serious issue. Amongst all of the hype and ritual surrounding hanging out with the J-Man, the death of the easter bunny is something that has been barely noticed by the masses. It is at this point that I would like to state that this death is more of a metaphorical one i.e. dwindling sales in the capitalist chocolate sector. So this year when you are stuffing your bloating face with discounted lindt bunnies why not take a moment and raise your chocolaty mitt in the air in memory of the good times in which the easter bunny was as fluid and as nimble as the economy that he burrowed in. Hopefully amongst the melted fragments of chocolate bunny sculptures lies a memory of better times in which we had the money to fully concede and allow our bodies to melt under the scorching heat of the American sun. 

Now if you could take the time to digest this image and then promptly turn your thoughts towards your now sun-sizzled fist. Take it down out of the air and look at it. Notice how the burnt flesh is not too different from the smell of a good old fashioned rabbit stew? Don't worry that gaping hole can and will be filled with chocolate, so relax gather your thoughts and get ready to lift that mitt once again in memory of a failed social order. To aid you in this movement I have decided to include some images of the good old days when naivety led to the popular consumption of a creature whose motives were sinister from the very start. His consumption was only concerned with the juvenile kind.

Jesus Fighting Nazis

Nothing like a bit of religious controversy. If there was ever a time for that lad to return and save humanity it would have been then, but instead he was sitting at the right hand side of the father playing with himself. 

What if Jesus Came Back ?

Ash Wednesday marks the start of a 40-day period which is an allusion to Jesus' wander in the desert, where he fasted and prayed for this length of time. During this visit he managed to "take care of business" and thus we have the sacramental placing of ashes on foreheads that acts as a sign of mourning and repentance to god. Throughout the day I spotted "faithfuls" as their ash marks branded them like cattle. I managed to remain detached from this ritual almost the entire day. This ended with a visit to my granny which resulted in her lunging from her stool across the kitchen table and forcefully attacking my forehead with a digit coated in dirty ash. Disgust ensued as she realised that me blessing myself was not going to happen. Instead I just sat there and began thinking about what the J-Man would make of this if he existed and was living in contemporary society. The first image that sprang to mind was off Jesus hacking up some meat on ash Wednesday. 

This quickly dissipated as I realised that if Jesus was to return now he would most definitely be homeless. I thought about this for a while and an image of him propped against a wall with an artificial limb as a companion sprang to mind. On the poster behind him was a poster promoting something that he would never be able to achieve. With what little life he had left he appeared to be pondering over the futility of his existence. 'God bless capitalism' says a cynic with a mouthful of meat.

There is the possibility that this Jesus quickly adapts to capitalist society and manages to succeed in moving from rags to riches. The issue with this is that in the process of this transformation he would most likely lose his faith. If not he would probably be too obese to speak the word of god. On the plus side, a crucifix would not be able to hold him this time around. 

So what do you think would become of the J-Man if he was to surface tomorrow? Would he be destined to become a crazed street rat that is treated with about as much respect as a bloody tampon or would he realise that contemporary society does not really have a place for him anymore and conceed to meet craft/becoming part of the fat of the land? Either way I can tell you that if the 80-year-old women who jumped a table to get ashes on my forehead was confronted by a bearded man claiming to be Jesus she would not be long about pulling out a switch blade and stabbing him in the neck. From all of us here at MRHP enjoy the next 40 days and try and crush as much excess into them as possible.

Love from the Owl and the gang. XXX

Even Jesus Had a Beard

Have you ever noticed how most contemporary practitioners of Catholicism are clean shaven? Over the years I have noticed that at some point along the journey the beard stopped being synonymous with holiness and was tossed away in favour of a gently sliced baby bottom face. Having the pleasure of being told by a Christian Brother 'to clean my god damn scruff up' many times over the course of my young adulthood, I began to think about the irony that surrounded these men and their disregard for the fact that many of the mythological creatures who inked the pages of the bible sported out of control beards, that demanded attention and heralded holiness from their twisted follicles. The following image of Moses demonstrates this perfectly. Instead of the man that religion classes exposed us to, we get a rare insight into the sweaty bearded DJ that spent more time popping tablets than he did reading from them. Also an original founding member of Pioneer Moses' bearded antics went to the tablet induced grave with him. Pioneer be upon him... 

Next on the list we have the J-Man himself, whose bearded madness managed to help him acquire the title of the son of God. In reality when he wasn't picking at his head with an afro comb or wondering why he was porcelain white, he was infact having luls on his bike and quote unquote 'getting some hole-y'. His beard hangs with him on the crucifix as a constant reminder to its power. Hence the nickname Jesus King...

The final addition to these prime examples of bearded holiness is one of the best kept secrets of the bible. One of the big questions that surrounds the Virgin Mary is of course how the hell did she give birth to the J-Man? Continuing from Jeremy Kyle's damned attempt at answering the question we at MRHP have some shocking news for you today. The truth surrounding the J-Man is that he was the bastard child of a harlem and a trotter and that Mary was actually a man. This claim is supported by an image stolen from Ratzinger's rotten sewage pipes. After analysing the image for quite sometime we have come to the conclusion that Mary is a distant relative of another very famous beard wearer. See if you can guess who!

After completing our research for this article we thought it was pertinent coming up to the day of Jesus' great wander, to remind the world of the power of the beard and the mysteries that it still holds. We hope this helps in combating the Gillette sponsored Vatican from completing the shaving off their holy roots in favour of one last grab at financial capital. Shame on them for attempting to eradicate the best part of the myth.

If Jesus Can Do It Why Can't You: Walking on water

The story goes that the disciples were taking the ferry to one of those biblical towns that all sound the same, beth- something or another, and they were crossing the Sea of Galilee (always seems to be this Sea, nothing better to do though I suppose). Jesus had said he would catch up with them and the story goes that he did so by walking on water and then jumping on the boat that the disciples were on (most likely higher than the high seas themselves).

Now you might have noticed in the video that one of the pioneers of the new sport liquid-mountaineering looks like Owen Wilson, but that doesn't mean that you should think this thing is a joke from the outset. Give it chance people! I was intrigued by this sport because there seemed to be some sort of loose scientific explanation that posited a possibility, so I listened to Ulf and watch with the sense of wonder and awe that only a child could administer. It seemed impossible, it seemed unbelievable, a miracle, just like Jesus going for a stroll on the Sea of Galilee. I caught up with Ulf and the Owen Wilson look-a-like and asked them about their fantastic achievement. They were quite surprised at first that any reputable reporter would even bother with them but I could smell the truth behind this story from a mile away. I put it to these two intrepid aqua-runners that I could beat their record of 16 wet steps. They wished me luck. Ever since that day I have woken up an hour earlier and I begin the day by running across a local lake. I have reached 14 steps and I am confident that this year I can eclipse the now famous 16 steps.