The Easter Bunny Is Dead

Now that we have the issue of that lads death over for the time being it is time we start focusing on a more serious issue. Amongst all of the hype and ritual surrounding hanging out with the J-Man, the death of the easter bunny is something that has been barely noticed by the masses. It is at this point that I would like to state that this death is more of a metaphorical one i.e. dwindling sales in the capitalist chocolate sector. So this year when you are stuffing your bloating face with discounted lindt bunnies why not take a moment and raise your chocolaty mitt in the air in memory of the good times in which the easter bunny was as fluid and as nimble as the economy that he burrowed in. Hopefully amongst the melted fragments of chocolate bunny sculptures lies a memory of better times in which we had the money to fully concede and allow our bodies to melt under the scorching heat of the American sun. 

Now if you could take the time to digest this image and then promptly turn your thoughts towards your now sun-sizzled fist. Take it down out of the air and look at it. Notice how the burnt flesh is not too different from the smell of a good old fashioned rabbit stew? Don't worry that gaping hole can and will be filled with chocolate, so relax gather your thoughts and get ready to lift that mitt once again in memory of a failed social order. To aid you in this movement I have decided to include some images of the good old days when naivety led to the popular consumption of a creature whose motives were sinister from the very start. His consumption was only concerned with the juvenile kind.

What's So 'Good' about Good Friday

Good Friday is so called because on that day Jesus was crucified at Calvary, sounding 'Good'? Really if there was a man called Jesus and the tales are historically accurate then a poor individual was brutally murdered in an excruciating way. Still sounding 'Good'? Traditionally, you are also supposed to do a deal of fasting on Good Friday, or as they do in the cult, one small meal and two even smaller meals that when totaled fail to comprise a full meal. With all the chocolate floating around at this time of year fasting is not something I would consider 'Good'. And what's all this about giving up meat for the day, it's 8AM and I have already had three different types of meat, not on my watch Jesus, nothing 'Good' about a meat free zone. There is more. Supposedly when Jesus died the Moon bled, no I don't know about you that doesn't sound to good, they should have got some one to check that out it doesn't sound to healthy. In Ireland the sale of Alcohol is banned on this so called 'Good' day, can't even go to a restaurant, have a rose and some smoked meat. In some countries people even take part in self-flagellation and inflict all sorts of bodily harm upon themselves. In hindsight this day really isn't that 'Good' in fact it's a pretty bad day in my opinion. Just hurry up and end Good Friday, the Easter Bunny and I are waiting. Actually on second thought I will be celebrating Earth Day today, served with a few course of meat. 

Sex and The Suburbs 5: The Girl of My Dreams part 1...

'Towering over, my belly trembling in anticipation, how long before women realise what men really want, a good swim in a lake. A blue lake with cordoned off streamers, a sand to dig a good old cold whiskey into. Matching bading suits for buddies with dicks not vaginas.' Jesus Christ I said original not homoerotic! The editor typed out some opening for me to begin my column to give me some inspiration but seriously how many pencils were snapped in their mouths trying to think of an angle for me?

I wasn't having much sex, no no, so lets cut the bull, this week isn't about sex, I'm all about finding love and well if sex comes into the equation then let it be, no biggie, lets not kid ourselves we are not saving the world everytime we have sex no matter what John Lennon says.

Poking about the icy cold pool, feet seeping of blue pool puss, trousers wrangled on sun tan bed, all ready for my hip entrance to the capital of bears and trannies, Yes Berlin 'take me in your arms and take me home...'

My bod is mayhem, it is two parts horny dread and one part romantic optimist,  it is in a cold sweat of anticipation with red spots of 'me horny horny babe'. 'It is my body' I tell myself while stuffing two jars of pickles and one pack of condoms into my back pocket,then I conclude with wise self referentiality 'the whitest skin on tanned jeans'.Undoubtedly sexy, the capital is draped in all sorts; sex shops, cheap hostels, supermarkets with aisle upon aisle of alcohol that reaches for the intoxicated stars. You can have sexy sex, sore sex or just plain old sex! I take a hit and I run for the hills. I want to kill mutterfuckers on the moon, I don't know why, I don't have to tell you why, who are you to ask me anything at all, to even speak to me...you want me to get all drangon on your ass, yeah?

Turns out the dragon had nothing to do with dragons and was a prettily placed gay nightclub where I spent approx. four to five hours hitting on lesbians and matrons wrecking my self esteem,one of them nearly kicked me in the balls. There was a haze then there was many French toasts, ambulance drives, people talking then the night vanished from my sights.

A New Day: My Awakening:

'Meet the girl of your dreams' said the billboard, 'okay where?' I retorted, a few frenzied crossroads and hot dog stops later and I indeed did find the girl of my dreams on a billbaord just above a sweaty, potbelly hot dog vendor man. Who was she? how could I find her, would she love me as much I love her... after many hours of research I found her, her name was Nora Arnezeder! She was an Austrian actress...

To be continued next week...

What if Jesus Came Back ?

Ash Wednesday marks the start of a 40-day period which is an allusion to Jesus' wander in the desert, where he fasted and prayed for this length of time. During this visit he managed to "take care of business" and thus we have the sacramental placing of ashes on foreheads that acts as a sign of mourning and repentance to god. Throughout the day I spotted "faithfuls" as their ash marks branded them like cattle. I managed to remain detached from this ritual almost the entire day. This ended with a visit to my granny which resulted in her lunging from her stool across the kitchen table and forcefully attacking my forehead with a digit coated in dirty ash. Disgust ensued as she realised that me blessing myself was not going to happen. Instead I just sat there and began thinking about what the J-Man would make of this if he existed and was living in contemporary society. The first image that sprang to mind was off Jesus hacking up some meat on ash Wednesday. 

This quickly dissipated as I realised that if Jesus was to return now he would most definitely be homeless. I thought about this for a while and an image of him propped against a wall with an artificial limb as a companion sprang to mind. On the poster behind him was a poster promoting something that he would never be able to achieve. With what little life he had left he appeared to be pondering over the futility of his existence. 'God bless capitalism' says a cynic with a mouthful of meat.

There is the possibility that this Jesus quickly adapts to capitalist society and manages to succeed in moving from rags to riches. The issue with this is that in the process of this transformation he would most likely lose his faith. If not he would probably be too obese to speak the word of god. On the plus side, a crucifix would not be able to hold him this time around. 

So what do you think would become of the J-Man if he was to surface tomorrow? Would he be destined to become a crazed street rat that is treated with about as much respect as a bloody tampon or would he realise that contemporary society does not really have a place for him anymore and conceed to meet craft/becoming part of the fat of the land? Either way I can tell you that if the 80-year-old women who jumped a table to get ashes on my forehead was confronted by a bearded man claiming to be Jesus she would not be long about pulling out a switch blade and stabbing him in the neck. From all of us here at MRHP enjoy the next 40 days and try and crush as much excess into them as possible.

Love from the Owl and the gang. XXX

Even Jesus Had a Beard

Have you ever noticed how most contemporary practitioners of Catholicism are clean shaven? Over the years I have noticed that at some point along the journey the beard stopped being synonymous with holiness and was tossed away in favour of a gently sliced baby bottom face. Having the pleasure of being told by a Christian Brother 'to clean my god damn scruff up' many times over the course of my young adulthood, I began to think about the irony that surrounded these men and their disregard for the fact that many of the mythological creatures who inked the pages of the bible sported out of control beards, that demanded attention and heralded holiness from their twisted follicles. The following image of Moses demonstrates this perfectly. Instead of the man that religion classes exposed us to, we get a rare insight into the sweaty bearded DJ that spent more time popping tablets than he did reading from them. Also an original founding member of Pioneer Moses' bearded antics went to the tablet induced grave with him. Pioneer be upon him... 

Next on the list we have the J-Man himself, whose bearded madness managed to help him acquire the title of the son of God. In reality when he wasn't picking at his head with an afro comb or wondering why he was porcelain white, he was infact having luls on his bike and quote unquote 'getting some hole-y'. His beard hangs with him on the crucifix as a constant reminder to its power. Hence the nickname Jesus King...

The final addition to these prime examples of bearded holiness is one of the best kept secrets of the bible. One of the big questions that surrounds the Virgin Mary is of course how the hell did she give birth to the J-Man? Continuing from Jeremy Kyle's damned attempt at answering the question we at MRHP have some shocking news for you today. The truth surrounding the J-Man is that he was the bastard child of a harlem and a trotter and that Mary was actually a man. This claim is supported by an image stolen from Ratzinger's rotten sewage pipes. After analysing the image for quite sometime we have come to the conclusion that Mary is a distant relative of another very famous beard wearer. See if you can guess who!

After completing our research for this article we thought it was pertinent coming up to the day of Jesus' great wander, to remind the world of the power of the beard and the mysteries that it still holds. We hope this helps in combating the Gillette sponsored Vatican from completing the shaving off their holy roots in favour of one last grab at financial capital. Shame on them for attempting to eradicate the best part of the myth.

Happy Birthday Charles Darwin

Today is the 202 birthday of Charles Darwin, one of the most influential and revolutionary thinkers of last millennium. But why is Darwin so important, so famous? When most people hear Darwin they think of 'evolution', 'natural selection',and although relevant but frequently mis-attributed 'survival of the fittest.  What many other people don't know is that another man Alfred Russel Wallace independently proposed his own theory of evolution by natural selection which prompted to Darwin to publish his theory as well. What the theory of natural selection did for science in particular biology is akin to what Jesus Christ did for Christianity. The theory gave a framework by which almost all biology could be interpreted, explained and understood. It also had an immeasurable impact on religion, history, sociology, psychology and even literature, amongst many other disciplines. I'll just take this moment to point out how simple the theory is as well. Natural selection is the process whereby certain characteristics or traits (genes essentially) become more or less frequent in a population due to reproductive and survival pressures in the ancestors of that population. As time goes by a certain subset of a population may adopt a different a different trait compared to the rest of the population, eventually this can lead to the formation of a new species. It is by this mechanism humans, chimpanzees and other primates separated from their common ancestor. The process is remarkably simple but has given rise to the abundance of complex life that now occupies the biosphere of the earth. 

Unfortunately, although the evidence for the theory of natural selection is irrefutable ranging from paleontology to molecular biology and comparative anatomy to comparative biochemistry amongst a reservoir of other evidence, there are still people who refute it. It really is their loss because even though some people try to explain our origins in terms of a deity, this argument is inherently complex and flawed, whilst natural selection is simple and beautiful. I recommend as it is Darwin's birthday you take a look at some of his work or the the vast spectrum of work that has exploded from the foundations that he helped to establish. And to all the budding scientists out there are still hundreds of simple yet possibly immensely revolutionary insights and theories nestling in the human mind. Take the time to explore the universe, be skeptical, be critical, be creative, be the next genius. Happy birthday Charlie from MRHP.

I am turned into a sort of machine for observing facts and grinding out conclusions.

Charles Darwin