The Grim Eater's Last Supper on the World's Fattest Man

Little or nothing is known about the Grim Eater, but there have been reports that over the last couple of years he has been gatecrashing stranger's funerals and filling both his tummy and Tupperware containers with any funeral finger food that he could get his grubby mits on. Grieving New Zealanders were made aware of his presence and after a run in with a group of concerned funeral directors, he decided to head across the sea in search of funeral-licking delights. It was in England that he finally crossed paths with the world's fattest man.

Unfortunately for the Grim Eater the world's fattest man had already finished his lingering existence but he soon found sanctuary for the loss in his memorial buffet. Many of the people that had been filling the world's fattest man's trough with food for the last couple of decades turned up at the funeral party and brought with them a selection of snacks in memory of his love of the occasional gorge. However, many of the mourners found it odd when the well prepared and oppurtunistic Grim Eater arrived with a team of staff that he hired to collect not only any available foods but also any leftovers on anyones plate and/or hands.

The irony of the Grim Eater's final feast is that not long after his boldest feast he was found incarcerated in a pool of his own waste, face down and as limp as the idle prawns floating in his vomit. As punishment New Zealand authorities had his remains expatriated and given out in the form of a selection of canopies at all civil funerals in October 2010. The public consensus was that of satisfcation towards this policy and met it with open mouths. Many people are now advoctaing the provision of goverment sanctioned corspe cuisine at local schools, hospitals and homeless shelters. Unfortunately this practice has been misinterpreted by the homeless community and consequently there has been a minor backlash by South Islanders.

Perhaps this is the evolution of the Grim Eaters vision for a better funeral...

Review of Glenisk Strawberry and Raspberry Goat's Milk Yoghurt

Hello I am your chief editor of all things food. I have taken a break from restaurants to review a homely commodity spewed from an assembly line no doubt of which you people are quite familiar with. I am on a lactose free diet for a while, to see if it is in any way correlated to the splurges of malevolent phlegm circulating like a gelatinous jelly bean in my sinuses.

Before I am tucked into bed I always demand yoghurt. It is vital for the commencement of dreams Yosi and Yinu are two characters that regularly introduce me to my dreams. They are both like the soft, furred fauna found in Narnia. I also like that the yoghurt when it is the correct quality for my very delicate taste buds are like that of a blanket of snow on my tongue that seeps inside of me, and makes me feel soft and dreamy, Yurm yurm. So after panicking about possible yoghurt withdrawal symptoms, (which usually involves Yosi chewing on my arms and the words of something not quite understandable dizzying out from the lips of the very pretty Yinu, with her seahorse curves and blonde Aryan fur while insomnia is glued to the ceiling of Bethlehem’s favourite son’s stable) I decided to send my maid to obtain for me any goats yogurt they may have in the local superxxxmarket. She came back out of breath and holding her dainty purse with the object of my desire jutting out with blue cardboard rabbit ears, YES Glenisk strawberry and raspberry goat’s milk yoghurt the name shrieked out to me as my increasing delirium became bothersome to the maid, astonished that after three days of sleepless wandering I had coaxed the cognitive abilities to arm myself with a spoon.

My eyes lead by the bulging delirium that had me quite maniac, sifted through the letters inscribed on the yoghurt label, and searching for a message from Yosi who promised a game of croquet before the day’s light was extinguished. And then after six quarters of three dollops of the spoon’s weight in yoghurt, the tastes perspiring into my throat, the ingredients started to pop, materialising in sparks forming what was an electric billboard which read without error, (I was impressed by the pedagogic skills of the maniac vision): Strawberry: whole goat milk, goat milk solids, sugar, tapioca starch, strawberry puree (9%), cane sugar, lemon juice from concentrate, stabiliser (carob gum), natural flavouring, yogurt cultures, probiotic cultures. Raspberry: whole goat milk, goat milk solids, sugar, tapioca starch, raspberry puree (9%), cane sugar, lemon juice from concentrate, stabiliser (carob gum), natural flavouring, yogurt cultures, probiotic cultures.

For some reason the word carob gum (see image below) slapped me in the face, tickled my tummy, elucidated a deeper meaning, but what? I knew then it must be Yosi. I knew that I had to find the meaning of this word and therefore find Yosi. So with this hypothesis fastened to my hippocampus I got my chauffer to drive me to my private jet where I had an airplane waiting and a pilot smelling of gin to take me to investigate where this carob gum came from. I spend four days in Portugal where the Carob tree grows. I was to be lead on the trail by a man wearing baggy pants and a novelty t-shirt of a t-shirt that was in fact bodypaint. He told me of a factory I could find and also told me that the gum preferred the name ‘locust bean gum’ dare I offend it. His grandfather had worked there in the early 1930’s. The directions scribbled on my napkin were faultless, the factory was situated four miles south of a town of which I cannot quite remember the name of it but I do recall it resembled the world pueblo. I get amnesia in the severe heat of these parts. Once I made it to the locale and peeking into a large window which had a burbling sign with the words nehhum espreitar of which I did not understand; I found dozens of seeds having their skin removed by automated machines specialising in acid treatment and a roller operation milling the endosperm. Later reading my copy of The Encyclopaedia of Fruit & Nuts ( a Christmas present from Karl Pilkington, apparently he is a fan of my work) I came across its many uses such as its use in the manufacture of paper, in cosmetics, drugs, the chemical industry, flavouring tobacco, textile printing, synthetic resins, insecticides and fungicides.

I am now in convalesce and will never eat any yoghurt that does not come from my own cows again, of which I’d imagine are lonely without my desires for their dairy. I do miss Nelly particularly, she makes the funniest face when she is milked. On a final note, I shan’t be having mass produced yoghurt anytime soon. I am done experimenting with the fodder of the unsophisticated masses. I have learned that you ought to have stomachs like the Delhi iron pillar for your incessant labours. Until next time happy gastronomy!

Pedobear - Leaving the Limelight?

For those of you not entirely tuned into the wonderful world of the WeirdWideWeb, you may not be familiar with one of the longest running internet memes. Steeped in mystery Pedobear has sustained a long and "fruitful" existence, through his positioning between the cute and the obscene. He is not only a valued member of internet subculture, but is also a key benefactor in the creation of the tapestry of lulz.

The following FOX News report not only shocked me in relation to its content, but also in how it managed to tarnish the long respected Pedobear name.



This clip not only marks an inherent social problem, but also depicts the beginning of a meme's fall from grace. With representations such as these, I don't think it will be long until this meme is finally going to have to act out one of his most famous images and start to tenderfoot his way out of the internet limelight and back towards his home in the Pedohills of Japan.

Man forced to have a furry facial follicle feast

Harvey Westmoreland of Lawrenceberg, Kentucky was forced to eat his own beard when a dispute broke out over a lawnmower. He referred to the "friends" that forced him to eat his beard as "pretty good guys". He described how "one thing led to another, and before I knew it, there were knives and guns and everything just went haywire." And then he was forced to eat his own beard. A pogonlogist (pogonology the study of beards) described how "most beards aren't edible but in this case the beard was mainly composed of large pieces of food that couldn't fit into Mr. Westmoreland's tiny mouth". The pogonologist went on to say that "Mr. Westmoreland had described how his beard tasted like breakfast, lunch and dinner for the last 18 months". He is now well on his way to growing another beard which he hopes will be ready for Thanksgiving.

Here are some beards that you definitely would not want to eat!

Burst City & The Phantom of Regular Size

Before looking at the core and peripheral movies of this genre I thought it would be best if I first look at the two films that are commonly considered the precursors responsible for the whole genre coming into existence. To understand the difference between films that are Japanese and are Cyberpunk and the genre entitled Japanese Cyberpunk or Extreme Japanese Cyberpunk I must first give a brief outline detailing the genres defining factors.

Japanese Cyberpunk: is a genre of underground film produced in Japan starting in the late 1980s. The genre is not very closely related to Cyberpunk as understood in the west — the focus is industrial and incomprehensible, not high-tech and scientific. There are no computers in Japanese Cyberpunk. The genre is primarily defined by the movie Tetsuo: The Iron Man,but originates from a combination of what occurs in the 1982 movie Burst City and the 1986 film called The Phantom of Regular Size.

Burst City (爆裂都市 Bakuretsu Toshi) is a Japanese science-fiction punk-rock musical / action film. Released in 1982, the film was directed by Sogo Ishii. Primarily a showcase for both various specific punk rock bands of the time, such as The Roosters, The Rockers, and The Stalin, the film is also purely demonstrative of the culture and attitude of the punk rock community of Japan in the mid-to-late 1970s and the early 1980s. The film was distributed by the Toei studio.

The plot is not very complex, as much of the action and drama of the film relies on musical interludes, character interactions, and commentary on the class system in the film’s fictional universe. What plot there is follows groups of rival biker gangs in a dystopian future who are attempting to rebel against the construction of a massive power plant in “their” part of Tokyo.

The film is highly regarded among critics and audiences alike. Its hyperkinetic, unrelentingly high energy style was wildly different from other films of the period and extremely innovative. The film is also regarded for being purely inspired from music, and the way the punk aesthetic, culture, and music exerts its influence over every element, scene, and character in the film. It has been called one of the “starting points in contemporary Japanese cinema”, along with Shuffle, Panic High School, and Ishii’s own Crazy Thunder Road.

This definitely paved the way for the Japanese Cyberpunk genre, as it gave the future directors responsible for the genre an aesthetic on which they could attach their surrealist industrial visualisations of the future. This punk movement was born from a bubble economy that rejected its offspring like it did its tragic past. Be it rejection of repression, pre-cognition of future events or just pure mindless anarchy, the movement opened up a cinematic space that would eventually fuse with disheartening visions of an industrial future. It cannot be purely coincidental that this began happening before the economy fell. If cinema can be perceived as a reflection of a national consciousness then is it possible for a movie to reflect something that is collectively known, but is yet to happen? Some food for thought…

The next film that I’ll be looking at is the 1986 short film called The Phantom of Regular Size(18mins 27secs). This is a key figure in the creation of the genre because it reflects the point where cult director Shinya Tsukamoto made his first film that attempted to hybridise the punk genre with the surreal, industrial and the mechanical. Although this mix-mash is simple in its execution and in its use of effects it can literally be perceived as Tetsuo: The Iron Man as a child. Without it the genre would never have gotten enough acclaim to be recognised and consequently perpetuated through other directors ie. Shigeru Izumiya and Shozin Fukui (to name just the core contributors).