ATM Breaks Out; Promises To Free Compatriots

A Wicklow ATM made a daring break for freedom yesterday with a plot straight out of a Hollywood movie. The ATM allegedly employed a six man gang with whom he'd served in Korea to liberate him from his captivity in a wall in Tinahely. It is alleged the ATM was sentenced to forty years in a wall for crimes he committed during military service. The ATM is believed to be armed and extremely dangerous and should not be approached with any bank cards.

The ATM is believed to have left the scene with his gang in toe in a dark-coloured car. Gardaí in Baltinglass are investigating and have appealed for witnesses to contact them on 059 6482610. They are particularly interested in speaking to anyone who may have seen the following vehicles: Black Mitsubishi Pajero (03 CN 712), Silver Toyota Landcruiser (06 KK 946) and a tractor and trailer unit (90 WX 4156). All three vehicles had been stolen overnight in Carlow and Wexford. The ATM, who has a history of mental illness, damaged the building extensively in his escape. The entire front wall covering two rooms - one on the ground floor and another on the first storey - was ripped asunder by a digger which the ATM had previously worked with on a prior escape attempt.

A letter found at the scene believed to be left by the ATM himself is thought to reveal plans for a nationwide ATM liberation operation. Gardai have not revealed the contents of the letter but a representative of the ATMLF (Automated Teller Machine Liberation Front) has contacted several news outlets and revealed some of there goals and demands.

A garda task force headed by Chief Superintendant Alan T. Murphy and Inspector Thomas Daly has been created to deal with our impending doom but they insist that the threat is not as big as we may think.

In a recent interview Inspector Daly said; "What the fuck are you doing in my garage? Oh for Christ's sake put your clothes bac... Oh my God my car!"

Despite accusations of corruption and suggestions that there may be ATMLF supporters within the taskforce itself police remain confident that a Polar Bear could not have orchestrated this entire operation without the assistance of at least four different cheese farmers.

The damage done to the building where the ATM was serving its sentence is projected to amount to at least seventy-four billion in the next eight months. With the death toll still rising and gangs of motorcycling wolves taking up residence in the town's reservoir it's unclear if there's any future for this sleepy little village. Nicolas Sarkozy, a Tinahely native, has promised to donate 70 percent of France's gross national product to the relief effort.

Don't think I can't find you.

A United Nations representative said last night that if incidents of this nature continued they would be forced to kill everyone on the island of Ireland.

Brokeback Ajummas

‘Ajumma’ in Korean actually refers to any married women, but amongst foreigners it has become a term specifically referring to older Korean women (usually older than about 55).

Settled in a cosy land of 'paddies' (not in Ireland), I have become comfortable with the sight of these so-called 'beings'. These things, these shrivelled, crispy bacon pieces of flesh. Hunted by the sun and chased by the Ajoshis, these creatures amble about street corners or stumble down roadways carrying what looks to be a load of neatly flattened cardboard boxes. The critters sometimes gather in forces on pavements trying to muster up the energy to sell crops, here and there, to the odd Upright. These Stoopers are easily spotted a far by an Upright, due to their favouritism in very clashy wear with orange and pink, mustard and lime green, garish florals and stripes, luminous geometric patterns and polka-dots etc.

Usually donning their masks of darkness, the Stoopers often cower when light is strong and they tend to wear cotton or silk upon their claws of labour. However, they sometimes are saved when they have, in possession, a crawler's carriage as they often shrink behind them with their load of recycle-ware, nutritous delights, cans of aqua or as a matter of fact, nothing at all.

If these daunting creatures are not squating on raised platforms or sidewalks, they are hazardly tackling crowds and exhibiting a style of 'herding' behaviour where groups and public spaces are squashed of positive space.

Nonetheless, my love for these Stoopers has only thickened as I find them mysterious yet intimidating. Brief moments of a glance into their eye brings a tickle of wee to my Joy.

From afar they may seem like just another nutty Stooper but their kindness and generosity continues to warm my heart!