SKY: Loch Ness monster captured and moved to CERN

On the 16th of November 2010 one of the worlds most fascinating mysteries was finally solved. Scientists for the first time obtained real video footage of the Loch Ness monster. A team of physicists had been testing new sonar technology when the 26 metre beast appeared on their screens. At first they assumed it was just a school of fish but its motion patterns were to localised and consistent. Below is an image of this illusive and mysterious creature captured on Tuesday morning.

Once Professor Harold Schultz of the Department of Advanced Physics and Materials in the University of Berne, Switzerland realised the significance of the image on his screen  he proceeded to run to the front of the boat. It wasn't long before the prehistoric creature emerged from the water and it's head, neck and dorsal fin could be clearly seen off the bough of the boat. The Professor new he had to act quickly if he was going to be able to capture the creature. He made a quick phone-call and requested back up. In the mean time the boat followed the creature using the new sonar which compared to conventional sonar was actually able to detect the Loch Ness monster. Thirty minutes after the Professor had called for assistance the worlds heaviest fixed-winged aircraft the Antonov An-225 arrived on hand to capture the beast.

Professor Schultz and his team fired three heat seeking harpoons and managed to pierce the creatures tough skin with only one of the darts, penetrating the creature just below it's ventral fin. The line was then fixed to a cable that descended from the Antonov and with very little struggle the creature was raised 250 metres to and loaded into a specially prepared aquatic environment in the cargo hold of the plane. The Loch Ness monster then began it's two hour flight to Switzerland. The creature has been released into the protective custody of the scientists at CERN, the worlds largest particle accelerator. The scientists are hopeful that they will have set up an experiment by the end of the month which will allow two highly charged beams of particles to race around the tunnels of CERN and collide with the Loch Ness monster. Scientists are hoping that this collision could lead to data which may successfully merge quantum theory and general relativity.

An eye witness, William McGregor described how he was taking his dogs for a walk "when I heard this great commotion coming from the Loch, it sounded like a thousand bagpipes all playing at once, and when I got to the shore of the Loch, there it was as sure as day a gigantic plane pulling the beast from the water, and within thirty seconds the plane had swallowed it in it's belly and roared off into the sky".

Mystery solved...