Drunken Owls: The Art of Recognising a Social Problem!

As an avid Owl-Watcher I recently made a shocking discovery that I feel for the safety of fellow readers is worth sharing with the world. After suiting up to suit the emerald gleam of the forest I soon found myself lost from society. I watched animals fuck, run and chew their way through the forest always keeping both hands gripped firmly around my binoculars. After experiencing the watcher's void, the first part of a strange observation crept into focus. Through my extended eyes I could see a drunken owl insipidly staring at me from a tree in the distance. He had that look on his face that my father used to have after his T.V dinner, but before he had drank enough to paralyse his thoughts.

After being beaten by this distant glance I became aware that this hungover owl was not alone. In fact the trees around me were filled with abusive/tired/withered/grim/haggy/disheveled/slothy stares. Closer to where I was standing was the delicately seedy stare of a female. Who had enough composure to re-frame from blackening her collar, but had the indecency to tarnish your magnificent character the night previous. Likewise, she is disgusted about something I did, but amongst the lingering alcohol the pains in her cranium have stopped her from remembering whatever nonsense she was sipping that night. Silently she stares...

Camouflaged on one of the branches closest to me is a still sleeping reminder of one of those friends that drinks more and more in a desperate attempt at fitting in, but in the process becomes more and more invisible. Quite often these types of characters are mistaken for as furniture and often become utensils (piss bucket for the mildly self-conscious) before the night is down. By morning they rise from the room and drift outward in search of cyclical suffering. "I have it good", they think to themselves as they walk through the rain-soaked gutters with barely a single memory of the night before in their heads.

The owls that I have mentioned are but only a few in the millions that have invaded our forests with their own brand of fear and justice. Trust me, you will find everything I have just said quite serious and highly relevant if you ever have to witness or be on the scene of a drunken owl-raping. Quite often in their drunken hazes they are confusing gentle hill walkers and molesting every orifice until either they pass out or the victim stops responding to their malicious homegrown brand of forest justice. I'm hoping that after reading this article that you will have a higher awareness of these creatures and show no remorse to anything in a forest that is smaller than an average human. When going for a walk the best action is attack anything that shakes as quite often we are but one scenario away from a scene (DANGER)...

Please do not become contaminated by recent Owlaganda, that tries to present the Drunken-Owl as the new Lolcat. To fall into this trap would be a very foolish and most likely fatal mistake.

Until next time. Keep your Owls close, but your Drunken-Owls closer.