Dinner with Daniel Day-Lewis

I arrived early because I knew Daniel didn't like to be kept waiting. We were supposed to meet at 7.30, so when I turned up and saw him there already I was a little surprised, but contrary to my previous assumption he was just happy to see me and produced a warm and firm handshake. We took our seats in the restaurant who's name cannot be named and Daniel proceeded to order a bottle of red wine. It was a Chateau Lafite-Rothschild 1869-  €170,000 ($230,000) a bottle and worth every cent in my opinion. Daniel was not impressed, he swirled, sniffed, sipped and spat rather than savouring every mouthful. The naked waiters rolled around on the floor desperately tried to absorb the wine on their hairless bodies. Eventually a short chef emerged and stuck his lips to the floor and vacuumed up the unwanted liquid.

Next Daniel ordered two tins of Almas caviar, served in a 24-karat gold tin, €18,250 ($25,000). The roe ran around my mouth like marbles, popping and oozing their salty embryos. Once again this delicacy failed to satisfy Daniel. Most of his caviar ended up on the diamond plate it had been served on, he was much more concerned with gnawing on the gold tin lid. He kept mangling the metal in his mouth and gauging whether or not it could fit back on the tin, finally it had been sufficiently mutilated and was unable to make a complete seal with the gold container. Now that Daniel was satisfied he made the next order.

Two 1-kg Wagyu steaks were ordered €2,500 ($3,350) along with a gigantic Italian White Alba truffle (€125,000-$160,406) and some Hop asparagus (€180-$250 per kg). The oily aromas and strong meaty flavours as well as the earthy and delicate tastes of the food made for a delectable main course. Daniel took his piece of steak and sat on it for about five minutes then he examined it closely, however, he didn't appear to be happy so he stuck it under the leg of his chair and turned from left to right. Finally when the steak had the right mix of fibres from the floor Daniel swallowed it whole.

Next we were served some cheese, moose cheese from three moose in Bjursholm in Sweden, €370 for a pound ($500). It had a very strong taste and each piece had a different texture and density. Daniel stuck most of his in his eyes or his ears before having his first taste which to my surprise he appeared to enjoy. Finally we were served some freshly defaceted Kopi Luwak coffee, the small Asian Civet joined us after his toileting and began to feast upon Daniel's scraps. Kopi Luwak coffee runs at about €40 a cup but the Civet made up for the lack of expense.

Daniel took the cheque and covered the tip and we said our farewells. I wonder has anyone else had a meal as expensive as this? €337,130, the tip was Daniel's little secret...