Skinnydipping with Jack Nicholson

Not many people know this but Jack Nicholson recently paid a visit to Ireland. I suppose he thought he could come here unwind, and escape the incessant chime of fame that probably rings through his ears ever waking minute of the day. It was a pleasant autumn morning and the sun was easing its way over the horizon, warming up the idle dew that glossed the the green landscape that was Wicklow. We approached the usual swimming/surfing/wandering spot but were surprised to find a car was already pulled up by the side of the road. You must understand that this place is out of the way and does not get too many visitors. We thought nothing more of the large Land Rover and assumed that it belonged to a local farmer. We began the walk down the country lane only to find that it was strewn with fresh clothes. At first there was a grey blazer, then  there was a red tie, followed by a pale blue shirt. Further up the road there was one black leather shoe and then hanging from an adjacent branch another shoe. We continued along the lane until it came to a clearing above the beach and in a neat little bundle there was a pair of trousers and underwear and to the right and the left of this, were a pair of socks. The beach was down a small slope and it covers a good half a kilometre. In the water we could here someone screaming and shouting like a child, but this was no child. Too our amazement it was none other than Jack Nicholson. We knew we had to get a closer look and try to take a photo of this exotic phenomena. We climbed down the steep slope hiding behind the marram grass. The tide was in so we were only about 20 to 30 feet away from him. He was now making seal mating calls and a group of curious seals began to approach him. Thrashing and splashing about in the water and barking like a seal, we could not believe our eyes. Suddenly he turned around to face us and began to emerge from the water, it was now or never we had to get the photo now. My friend Charles, who had his camera aimed and loaded took the shot. It was perfect, he was even able to get another quickly after the first.

However, this time for the second photo fate played a cruel trick on Charles and on all of us. The flash of the camera exploded into life and the beast like eyes of Jack picked up on it instantly. At the same moment he locked his heinous eyes onto us and Charles slipped and fell down the slope into the sand. Jack was furious and he charged at Charles, you could sense the blood-lust curdling in his veins. We desperately tried to pull Charles back up to safety but it was too late Jack was upon him and our Darwinian survival mechanisms took effect and we fled. In the distance we could hear Charles screaming and Jack growling and snarling, insane with a ravenous and demented rage. By the time we got back to the car the bone-chilling screams had dissipated. We knew we could not return to check on Charles in the hope that he had survived the onslaught, it was too late and for all we knew the Jack-beast could have been on his way. We got in the car and drove off as fast as we could, whilst obeying the speed limit obviously.

The surge of adrenaline quelled and the sweat cooled, that was the day we went skinnydipping with Jack Nicholson...