Best Valentine's Gifts

Have you ever sat in dismay on the 12^th of February and said to yourself, “Shit, Valentine’s Day”???Perhaps like me you are an incompetent fool when it comes to organising gifts for this pathetic excuse of a celebratory day! Not that I am an embittered old twag who hates to fork out for my loved one, but I am an embittered old twag who has to try and come up with yet ANOTHER quirky, thoughtful, sentimental, awe-inspiring, death-defying, mind bogglingly intelligent gift for the one that I love, as if Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries ARE SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH!!!! All I want for Valentine’s day is attention, all attention on me!!That is all I require, food, chocolate and compliments, not fancy elaborate gifts. BUT however, if you are one of the unfortunate knobs that invest in the commercial ejaculation that is Valentine’s day, then here are a few ideas to whet your saltily-semened palettes…..

If you are a totally embarrassing wet sock with regards to your partner’s affections why not try this little number.

The 8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt which measures the proximity of lovers and lights up as the two wearers move closer to each other. A perfect suggestion to uncle Jed and his finest derby sheep!

Or if that isn’t lame enough for you, try this. It’s the “My Beating Heart Pillow” and simulates the sound of a heartbeat when the emotionally inept user hugs it. Each time it is embraced it recreates a new heartbeat so that no two heartbeat sequences are the same. Slutty. It also synchs with the slutty, emotionally inept embracer, creates a murmur and after twenty minutes encounters a fatal heart attack, entering severe cardiac arrest and shuts down, saving on battery life. Eco friendly.

If you buy this you are a loser and I don’t like you. Sap.

If you are the sexually overcharged couple for whom boning each other every chance that you get isn’t enough, you can now do it semiotically with your keys, with the new Human Key Holder!!! Hot shit. Yeh Right.

This gift suits couples of most sexualities. It suits any female, straight or gay as one simply inserts the key into the signifying slot, if you will and also suits many men without penises or gay men. One inserts the key into the front slot (for men with the no penis preference) or the back slot, or if you are a particularly dykey woman, this gift may also suit you.

If you like to cut your boyfriends in half and cuddle their decapitated and severed torsos, but find that the rate of decay is moving too fast for you, why not try this idea, the Boyfriend Pillow, its cleaner, smells fresher and saves on dead boyfriends.

Some of these Valentine’s gifts may not be quite to your tastes, so if you are rich and willing to splash the cash a little why not rent your loved one an Island off the British Virgin Coast or wine and dine them in the air, for a mere $40.000. Either way this day is going to fuck you in the ass year in, year out.

Flying The Nest For Christmas p.1

After spending a week lying on a plastic board in an overcrowded airport and the days after basking in swollen sinuses and flying around the back alleys of Peckham, I have finally found a perch that is not filled with the distractions of Muslim prayers whispering in my ears and half-cocked ghetto heads considering a quick mugging between prayers. This being the first time that I have officially flown the nest for the Christmas season, I thought I would write of my experiences so far.

After my flight I quickly ended up engaging with a man from Portugal. He told me that he had 2 hours to make a connecting flight @ Gatwick airport. I recommended to him to get the bus, as I had heard rumours that there was some kind of tube strike. Instead of listening he just continued following me all the way to the tube station. On the way I engaged in some small talk, which resulted in him asking me who was meeting me and where? I told him that I was hoping to meet my GF @ Victoria Station. He then proceeded to ask me if she owned a car and if so could she drive him to Gatwick airport? My rejection of this offer combined with the fact that the tube strike had halted any transport going towards his destination resulted in him staring at me aggressively and then running away. As he disappeared into the underground halls I shouted @ the top of my lungs "nice meeting you". Only stranger's stares met my exclamation.

Whilst writing that last statement I noticed that a squirrel was staring @ me through the window. I took a picture of him while he ate the crumbs that I fucked out onto the terrace. After a brief photo session he dived off the roof into the forest of fros and disappeared into the sprawling terrain.

Yesterday was the first time that I have ever been involved in the preparation of a Christmas dinner and surprisingly I have not spent the morning screaming in the hope that the wrap around my esophagus allows me to expel the tiniest drop of vomit.

Unlike the netting on our Christmas Ham it continues to remain bound and is allowing me to enjoy the meat sweats and lethargy that comes with eating a fine festive meal. The Turkey we cooked tasted very succulent, but I did find it odd that first I had to pull its neck off, that still had a small hint of a face and secondly the giblets were still inside the Turkey, but they were all contained inside a sealed bag. This I found very odd. 

Today I am spending a lot of time hanging out with the remains of our Turkey & Ham. Between shaving them for lunchtime sandwiches and dinner curries I made sure to spend some much deserved time time with both of them. Attached are photos of myself and the Turkey chilling on the couch watching a Twilight marathon. The second photo is of myself and the Ham just chilling on the stairs listening to some early 90s Jungle Music. 

My posts for this journey may be quite sporadic as I am currently hijacking a neighbour's wifi and they have a habit of switching off their box when they leave the house (IMMANUEL KANTS). Until my next post have yourself a hoot and don't believe anything regarding the MRHP Midget party and how this connects with my extended journey out of the Country. 

Merry Christmas and an Atheist New Year, 

Owl.

Different types of Santa Claus

We are all familiar with Santa Claus or Father Christmas. This is the guy that squeezes down a chimney, rides a sleigh pulled by reindeer and delivers presents all around the world, in particular Ireland, the UK and the US amongst many others. However, Santa Claus has many transformations and molds around the world. Let's go through a few of these. 

In the Netherlands Sinterklaas and Schwarz Pete arrive by boat on the evening of the 5th of December, children leave a wooden shoe filled with hay and carrots for the donkey which carries St. Nicholas' pack of toys. The good children get gifts. On the 6th of December St. Nicholas arrives in eastern Europe, the night before children leave a boot on the window and if the have been good it is filled with treats and if they are bad coal and onions. In Germany on  Christmas Eve whilst the family is out at mass the Christkind arrives with presents. In Australia Santa Claus wears a red bathing suit and rides along on water skis. In China Dun Che Lao Ren is on old man who arrives on Christmas and gives children gifts. 

In Sweden Juletomten a gnome that is pulled on sleigh by goats delivers presents to the children. In France Pere Noel brings the gifts for children. In Switzerland it is the Christkindl who is an angel that comes from heaven to deliver gifts. In Italy the kids have to wait for a witch called La Befana to arrive on the 6th of January with gifts, she too goes down the chimney, except she flies around on a broomstick and seems to have been reinvented recently, probably a decision made by the incumbent Italian Prime-minister Silvio Berlusconi.

Children in Spain, Mexico and South America also have to wait until the 6th of January for the three wise men to arrive bearing gifts, children leave shoes at the door for them to fill. Things have advanced from frankincense and myrrh. And finally what about the real Santa Claus, what is he up to now? I read a recent report that because Christmas had become so commercial and all meaning was lost (for most people) along time ago, Santa Claus gave up the sleigh and now runs ultra-marathons around the world. Good luck to you Santa Claus and Merry Christmas to all from MRHP!!