The Snobby Food Critic Reviews Toblerone Almond Tart

I tremble at the indiscretion of the cake makers as I appear here today to review a food you would be more familiar with oh peasant readership. Toblerones frozen almond tart, a new ice-cream cake that from its packaging promises you quality which it just presumes the Tobelerone brand will instill into peoples sensibilities (look closely at the Toblerone brand logo, the mountains and you will find a camouflaged bear in there, a surprise dear peasant I know!) Voila it tastes like a wet sock, with crumbs of chocolate left over from a Medieval Knights feast, it tastes old and vile, like something you shouldn’t eat and you regret it immediately afterwards.

After spending the hours of daylight that dwindle like quicksand in an affluent canter to reach the trashy supermarket you probably regularly visit, the hours of my privileged and precious life as a food critic with my delicate taste buds fanned by two beautiful croissants, suddenly disturbed by an old friend struck ill, I agree to take his place, to forfeit my pleasures and put my boots to live and eat in the squalor you are accustomed to. Instead of eating the so called cake in the normal joys of my 5 star hotel or even in an allotted dining room,where your kind are not permitted, I debase myself and eat it in a peasant's gym, to absorb the correct atmosphere, yes yes I am a true professional where few are left in this profession, with that lout Gordon Ramsey and those of his ilk, with cow lips trying to pretend to be elegant gourmet men.

Anyway, this croak of crow's vomit that I have to ingest into my poor body, made frail by the arduous trip, unaccompanied by my chauffeur, retails at 5 euro, but was 2.50 euro at time of purchase in Tesco. The box deceives too, for it makes it seem a lot bigger than it is, as usually the instructions are strife with misnomers, it says as if factual, serves 6-8 people, when it should read to be more accurate, serves 2-3 people, unless by 6-8 people you mean 6-8 Sri Lankan models.

According to Bakeryinfo.co.uk " The base of the cake is covered with a layer of rich chocolate cream and smooth milk chocolate mousse, coated with chunks of Toblerone and then covered with a milk chocolate topping." They should be arrested for such lies and misinformation,the base of the cake was a runny yellowy colour and taste exactly as that I'd imagine sick would taste like. Apparently Toblerone reinterpreted the Swedish almond tarta, as we look closely at the image above you will see the brand logo of the company Daim, other than that they look identical. Interestingly Tobelrone and Daim are both under the umbrella company Kraft Foods. Kraft Foods in 2009 bought out the confectionary company Cadbury’s for a not too measly sum of 10.2 billion English pounds. Multi-national global corporations go Fuck Yourself you cannot cook, to garnish my thoughts with some of your vulgarities, stick to the homemade desserts if you want to control the quality , not some abominable wet sock stored in a warehouse and then packaged in boxes printed in California by a group of artists on acid that resemble nothing of what is insides it.

One comment on the cake from a forum was “purchased for our coffee shop disappointingly bland strongest flavour is chocolate, no sign of toblerone at all!” which matches my sentiments of dissatisfaction. Me thinks they use the brand to dupe people into buying into its frozen larvae nest, well I will now return to a proper restaurant where I belong to dine and articulate the finer things in life. If any of you are in Stockholm, feel free to join me for a drink afterwards!

For those watching their calories, here is a chart of the potential obstacles in the cake.

Servings: per 50 mg

Calories 220 Sodium 55 mg
Total Fat 13 g Potassium 0 mg
Saturated 6 g Total Carbs 22 g
Polyunsaturated 0 g Dietary Fiber 1 g
Monounsaturated 0 g Sugars 17 g
Trans 0 g Protein 5 g
Cholesterol 0 mg
Vitamin A 0% Calcium 0%
Vitamin C 0% Iron 0%
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs.