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The Snobby Food Critic Reviews Toblerone Almond Tart

I tremble at the indiscretion of the cake makers as I appear here today to review a food you would be more familiar with oh peasant readership. Toblerones frozen almond tart, a new ice-cream cake that from its packaging promises you quality which it just presumes the Tobelerone brand will instill into peoples sensibilities (look closely at the Toblerone brand logo, the mountains and you will find a camouflaged bear in there, a surprise dear peasant I know!) Voila it tastes like a wet sock, with crumbs of chocolate left over from a Medieval Knights feast, it tastes old and vile, like something you shouldn’t eat and you regret it immediately afterwards.

After spending the hours of daylight that dwindle like quicksand in an affluent canter to reach the trashy supermarket you probably regularly visit, the hours of my privileged and precious life as a food critic with my delicate taste buds fanned by two beautiful croissants, suddenly disturbed by an old friend struck ill, I agree to take his place, to forfeit my pleasures and put my boots to live and eat in the squalor you are accustomed to. Instead of eating the so called cake in the normal joys of my 5 star hotel or even in an allotted dining room,where your kind are not permitted, I debase myself and eat it in a peasant's gym, to absorb the correct atmosphere, yes yes I am a true professional where few are left in this profession, with that lout Gordon Ramsey and those of his ilk, with cow lips trying to pretend to be elegant gourmet men.

Anyway, this croak of crow's vomit that I have to ingest into my poor body, made frail by the arduous trip, unaccompanied by my chauffeur, retails at 5 euro, but was 2.50 euro at time of purchase in Tesco. The box deceives too, for it makes it seem a lot bigger than it is, as usually the instructions are strife with misnomers, it says as if factual, serves 6-8 people, when it should read to be more accurate, serves 2-3 people, unless by 6-8 people you mean 6-8 Sri Lankan models.

According to Bakeryinfo.co.uk " The base of the cake is covered with a layer of rich chocolate cream and smooth milk chocolate mousse, coated with chunks of Toblerone and then covered with a milk chocolate topping." They should be arrested for such lies and misinformation,the base of the cake was a runny yellowy colour and taste exactly as that I'd imagine sick would taste like. Apparently Toblerone reinterpreted the Swedish almond tarta, as we look closely at the image above you will see the brand logo of the company Daim, other than that they look identical. Interestingly Tobelrone and Daim are both under the umbrella company Kraft Foods. Kraft Foods in 2009 bought out the confectionary company Cadbury’s for a not too measly sum of 10.2 billion English pounds. Multi-national global corporations go Fuck Yourself you cannot cook, to garnish my thoughts with some of your vulgarities, stick to the homemade desserts if you want to control the quality , not some abominable wet sock stored in a warehouse and then packaged in boxes printed in California by a group of artists on acid that resemble nothing of what is insides it.

One comment on the cake from a forum was “purchased for our coffee shop disappointingly bland strongest flavour is chocolate, no sign of toblerone at all!” which matches my sentiments of dissatisfaction. Me thinks they use the brand to dupe people into buying into its frozen larvae nest, well I will now return to a proper restaurant where I belong to dine and articulate the finer things in life. If any of you are in Stockholm, feel free to join me for a drink afterwards!

For those watching their calories, here is a chart of the potential obstacles in the cake.

Servings: per 50 mg

Calories 220 Sodium 55 mg
Total Fat 13 g Potassium 0 mg
Saturated 6 g Total Carbs 22 g
Polyunsaturated 0 g Dietary Fiber 1 g
Monounsaturated 0 g Sugars 17 g
Trans 0 g Protein 5 g
Cholesterol 0 mg
Vitamin A 0% Calcium 0%
Vitamin C 0% Iron 0%
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs.

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What is a ghost mountain?I hear you ask behind your plates and cups of domestic birth. Well by ghost mountains I mean a mountain range that is hidden beneath ice. They are estimated to be as large as the Alps. Fausto Ferraccioli of the British Antarctic Survey in Cambridge, England said "These are the least understood mountain ranges on Earth...It is as exciting as exploring another planet." He added "The whole [mountain range] was encased in ice and literally preserved in the deep freeze," The image above used as a handout by the British Antarctic Survey is a 3-D image of the ghost mountains named the Gamburtsev Mountains after their discover in 1952 by Soviet geophysicist Grigoriy A. Gamburtsev.

A seven nation project that ran between 2007-2009 mapped out the subglacial topography of central East Antarctica via two Twin Otter aircraft that were befitted with super cool radar and sensors to map out the changes over time in Earth's gravitational and magnetic field. Whats more they discovered that "the East Antarctic rift system resembles one of the geological wonders of the world, the East African rift system...It provides the missing piece of the puzzle that helps explain the Gamburtsev Subglacial Mountains. The rift system was also found to contain the largest subglacial lakes in Antarctica." And if that wasn't enough Wow for your Wowsies, they are estimated to be 35 million year old, take that Granpa!. Mountains 1 Granpa 0.

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Ivan Martin Jirous Passes Away

Ivan who was 67 years young when he passed away this Thursday was the man who held the title as the artistic director of the infamous The Plastic People of the Universe as well as being an underground writer of mainly poetry . Friends called him the "Magor" which translate roughly to "Crazy One" or "Looney". He supported social movements alongside compatriot writer and ex president Václav Havel.

In an interview he explained his motives:

The only issue was to be able to do one's own thing, music, art, totally independently of what was happening here on the official scene... But because we lived in a society where the communists controlled the entire public life, any activity that was independent was a deadly threat to them.

He spoke about his time in prison, spending no less than 5 prision sentences for his anti-communist crusades although it is important to note he was also a critic of democracy and he campaigned for the individual :

I never fought for our Czech-Moravian nation. I always fought on my own behalf. I served 8.5 years in prison for that but that’s the price you pay for pride. And I am perfectly willing to serve another 8.5 years and I absolutely don’t care what kind of regime is in power. Sincerely, I fought for myself and the fact that it had an impact on my friends and people around, who may have made some decisions under my influence, is of secondary importance.

The Plastic People band due to their resistance to the authorities, inspired free-thinking intellectual groups to create a new society outside the oppressive system, where they held private art exhibitions and other underground societies.

He was seen at a party last month were he was displeased at his medical condition which prohibited him from drinking alcohol, which he cited as his inspiration, a friend quoted him as saying "Since doctors banned me from drinking, I have stopped writing"

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This estimate is a minimum and will rise, yet you will not find this on the front page of any Western paper, sure, who cares, they are Syrian? And of course Syrian's lives are much less than American and European lives right? This is totally normal. Okay so already more people, the majority civilians, have died than 9/11. Need I say anymore.

Okay so the politics,President Bashar al-Assad's regime is still standing after 8 months of revolt, while it seems because all foreign journalist are barred from Syria, any reports are distorted. Here are more details at http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/08/us-syria-idUSTRE7A62Z520111108

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